I've recently learned a thing or two about suicidal depression.

It's not about sadness. It's more about emptiness, feeling hopeless, helpless, powerless. It's about being mentally and emotionally exhausted from constantly trying to be strong for everyone. It's spending several hours a day silently listing all the people you have to live for, until it hits you that all of these reasons are for others, none for yourself, and that even if some of those reasons have every right to expect you to live for them (children, spouse, business associates), you simply lack the energy to go on. It's about forgetting how, or just losing the capability, to live for yourself even a little. It's frantically seeking something, anything, to recharge your battery, but no epic movie, no nostalgic tune from your youth, no amount of binge-watching or day-dreaming or french-fries-dipped-in-Frosties or even visits with family and friends can help. It's about wrestling with rage for which there is no reasonable cause or solution, so you find yourself screaming wordlessly into your pillow or steering wheel. It's about wishing to God that you could just have one good, ugly cry, but the tears won't come, 'cuz again... you're not necessarily sad. It's about being alone in a crowd. It's about closing your eyes and praying for a solution, but only finding morbid fantasies of putting yourself to sleep forever. Even the painful fantasies are a comfort -- at least you'll feel SOMETHING once again before the end. It's reaching out to those you love in the hope that they'll notice something... a tone in your voice or how your smile doesn't reach your eyes. The PSAs all tell you to ask for help, yet you abstain from doing so out-right... they'll only give you platitudes or assume you're being melodramatic. Worse, they actually WILL pay attention, but only because you asked -- not because they bothered to notice in the first place. They'll say what they think you want to hear so you'll stay alive... for them. Not for you. It's not about being selfish... it's about being selfless for too long.