We now begin a phase PRESCRIBED by my new shrink, Lindsey.

I've been counseled to carve out an hour for myself every "morning," be it a bit of a snooze, some exercise, self care, etc.  Journaling was also highly recommended, so... I'm back!

I'm going through a lot right now.  If anyone is actually reading this, I want to apologize from the start and say that I'm not EXPECTING anyone in particular to see this, like, ever, but locking it kind defeats the purpose.  If anything I write here offends you, I'm sorry.  This is an emotional/mental info dump and it's part of what's keeping me from ending it all.  Admittedly, that thought becomes more comforting every day.

I have so many thoughts, and little time, but I'll be back here tomorrow.  So, I'll start with what's been bugging me the most.  I think I'm losing my old Cepheid friends... and I think I'm okay with it.  We're all older and we have our own lives and challenges.  Most of us are in very different phases of life from each other and very few have made an effort to keep in touch or check in directly with me.  Many still use my "bestie"/ex, Wade, as their conduit to my life, despite our continued Facebook connection.  Most are male, as has always been my habit as a Demi-Girl (if I haven't touched on that before, I will later).  The one friend who HAS made an effort is female, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  The older I get, the more I think that the only man on earth who's worth a damn is the one I'm raising... and maybe some of his friends.  I miss my father terribly -- but that, too, is a topic for another day.

Recently, I learned that a friend of mine was in the hospital fighting cancer.  My relationship with his family has always been a little confusing -- I'm never sure if his wife trusts me or what, so when I learned that Wade was coming into town (he's been with his mother since her stroke), I asked if we could go together.

Overall, the visit was quite pleasant.  I was afraid we'd find Thag, a very large, boisterous red-haired man, somewhat diminished.  Quite the opposite!  He was tired, sure, but still his old self.  Still laughing at his situation and cracking sarcastic comments left and right.  At one point, he got a little emotional as he spoke of all the blessings he never expected to receive -- finding good friends, the love of his life, having two beautiful daughters, etc.  It was inspiring!  Especially in the wake of all the monumental challenges he's faced recently -- cancer being just one of them!  I'm trying to hold onto that inspiration as I struggle, myself.

Now, for negative shit.  I've been completely unaware of his struggles because his wife, who only in recent years accepted a connection with me on Facebook, had suddenly eschewed all social media to focus on her web business.  Okay, I get that.  But there had been a Friend Request to Thag, himself, languishing in FB hell for years -- DECADES, even!  That wouldn't be an issue, except that he kept referencing his challenges and saying to Wade, "you know, you read my Facebook."  So, I reminded him that he never accepted my request and he gave me some silly excuse about getting too many spam requests pretending to be me.  Admittedly, I do have two accounts -- one I made shortly after taking on the Austin 48 Hour Film Project because I thought I might need to separate my personal life from my public.  Soon after, I realized that my new film friends took inspiration from my personal struggles, and once Trump was elected, most of my oldest friends and family were estranged from me, anyhow.  The thing is, I have thousands of friends from all over the world.  If my account had been spoofed that often, I'd have surely heard about it... and I haven't.  Once or twice, sure.  And if it mattered, why didn't he seek me out, himself?  Do a little research and due diligence to determine who the REAL Alyne Harding was?  I would have.  But that's just it... it didn't matter to him.  I don't matter.  Despite decades of friendship, fond memories that I'll still cling to in my final years, my efforts to help his daughter when she was hurt... none of that mattered enough to make one simple digital connection.  Wade joined FB long after I did.  Wade's friendship was accepted.  Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I can't stop it from stinging.

And then there's Wade.  He's been my Bestie for a quarter century since we amicably ended our relationship.  We've had our problems over the years and we've mostly overcome them together.  However, one problem has always lingered.  It was the reason our relationship ended and it may yet spell out the end of our friendship.  Wade never prioritizes me.  He calls me his Bestie, but he exerts more effort to connect with Collette and Andi and even his most recent ex, Monica.  When he does reach out, it always feels like it's from a sense of guilt.  Or maybe fear?  I know so many of Wade's secrets that I won't reveal, but maybe he doesn't trust me to do so?  I just don't know.  And it's not just me -- my kids are effected, too.  So often in the 15 years that we've lived in Austin, Wade has declared a desire to be more involved with my children -- especially since the divorce 10 years ago.  But as often as not, he cancels at the last minute claiming some inconvenient illness -- a headache, tummy issues, etc.  The kids have learned to expect it and they no longer crave his attention as much.  At one time, I think they loved and respected him more than their own father.  Meanwhile, Wade sees the family of our friend Brett every week when he's in town -- often more.  He's at recitals and games and other big events.  At the hospital the other night, he told Thag how much he's benefitted from being around a -- I don't recall exactly the word he used, "healthy," or "normal," or what -- "real family" by spending time with Brett and his wife and kids.  MY children are his godchildren!  They NEEDED him!  But spending time with us makes him sick.  I don't even think he realizes it.  It's too late, now.  Even if I could change things, Lyla (as my daughter now likes to be called) is grown and Buddy is almost there, himself.  He towers over almost every many in his life -- including Wade.  After the hospital, I tried to ask Wade to take Buddy for a haircut because I never seem to have the time.  I told him I could pay for it.  Instead, he texted me the info for his stylist and told me to tell her he sent me.  Maybe he didn't catch the ask.  He's always claiming his ADHD interferes in his ability to catch social cues.  Maybe if he hadn't jumped to conclusions so fast and interrupted me, I could have made myself clearer.

And that's another thing I've noticed:  Wade always interrupts me.  I could barely get a word in edgewise in the hospital room, and one time that I did, he reached over and gently scratched my knee, as if to scold me for jumping my turn!  Suddenly, the affectionate "kiddo" he's always called me feels like a cheese grater on my skin.  He's always, even after we'd long been broken up, treated me a little different from his male friends.  My gender-free soul has never understood why a "guys night out" couldn't include me, especially when Wade often jokes about being able to "take my dick off" and join the girls' conversations.  He'll never see me as anything but a "girl."  And just like when we were dating, he'd rather chase after the attention of the women outside his reach, even just as friends, than the one who's always been there.

Andi, especially, has always been a thorn in my side.  We were best friends, or so I thought, before Lyla was born.  You need only read back about 18-19 years to see what ended that.  Turns out, she was never my friend.  She was never ANY of our friend, but she plays the part all too well and has everyone else fooled... until she doesn't.  Classic psychopath.  Her ex-husband knows what I mean.  Every major life event for Wade, she's there -- even though she lives in another state entirely.  He games with her, he has weekly watch parties with her and the rest of his friends.  He has a group chat on Google that I USED to be part of, until she was invited to join.  I can't stand being anywhere near her -- I'm not sure anyone else can, either, because at least TWICE I've been stuck sitting next to her because nobody else wanted to.  Wade has consistently come to the realization that she's no good for him, as a friend or otherwise, but he still keeps running back... just like he used to do with my old adversary, Jeannie.  I'm tired of being last on the list for my "Bestie." 

Losing Tammy has shown a spotlight on all the cracks in my friendship with Wade and I think I'm about ready to have a gentle conversation telling him "goodbye" for good.  I know I'll lose a lot of other friends with him, but they haven't made an effort to give a shit about me, so good riddance.  I have a new family, now -- one that spans the globe, one that sees me as important and cherished and RESPECTED!  I'll miss my old friends terribly, but maybe my old life has been holding me back.  Maybe it's time for me to let it all go and move forward.  There's a whole big world out there.