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I have resolved...
To be more creative this year, in whatever form that takes.
My last entry here was about depression. I can still relate. I have more power over my life now, but less freedom and just as little joy. I hate feeling this way. I know I have reasons to rejoice. I know I should stand up and fight for myself more often than I do, but I rarely have it in me to do so.
Losing Tammy four years ago feels like I lost my only cheerleader. God, what must she have felt like, drinking herself into oblivion? Did she know, really know, that I was on her side? I sometimes feel myself drawn to follow her example, but I’m too... I dunno, stubborn? Foolish? A masochist?
My children need me. I can’t give up, yet. I lost my father at age 34, and it was too soon. I can’t do that to them. I have to find strength somewhere, somehow. I just wish I didn’t always have to be so fucking strong.
My last entry here was about depression. I can still relate. I have more power over my life now, but less freedom and just as little joy. I hate feeling this way. I know I have reasons to rejoice. I know I should stand up and fight for myself more often than I do, but I rarely have it in me to do so.
Losing Tammy four years ago feels like I lost my only cheerleader. God, what must she have felt like, drinking herself into oblivion? Did she know, really know, that I was on her side? I sometimes feel myself drawn to follow her example, but I’m too... I dunno, stubborn? Foolish? A masochist?
My children need me. I can’t give up, yet. I lost my father at age 34, and it was too soon. I can’t do that to them. I have to find strength somewhere, somehow. I just wish I didn’t always have to be so fucking strong.